Thankfulness

First of all, checking in on my "Enjoy That Cheesecake!" post from last Monday. I've been trying! Not perfect, but trying...

And I am down from 11.8 pounds to 8.2 pounds to lose by June! Wahoo! I even did one evening of yoga - the first since I was pregnant with my toddler! We can do this...

Then I wanted to jump in with At the Well's assignment today - listing things I am thankful for about my husband. Here we go...

1. He checks out for my safety. Today I left home on a road trip, and just before I left, he got the car cleaned out and checked the oil.
2. He cares for our daughter. She is the highlight of his day; the light of his life. I love watching the two of them together.
3. He lets me know what he thinks. This has its pros and cons, of course! Today I choose to focus on the pros. No guesswork involved.
4. He is intelligent and interested. It's nice to converse with someone who gets what I'm saying and has opinions about it.
5. He's physically fit. Though he moans about his disappearing youth, he remains in shape and can beat just about anyone half his age with physical competitions.

There's more, of course - just saving some stuff for next time...

Grace

God commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Yet sometimes it's pretty difficult to love myself. I struggle with a guilt complex, and people close to me know how to use it...

If I could just get past myself, maybe I could love the world as I should.

CHORUS:
Grace keeps giving me things I don't deserve
Mercy keeps withholding things I do
Words that seldom fail me
Leave me looking for the words
To express my gratitude

This list keeps getting longer
More than I can count
I thought I could get close to more deserving
Unworthy on my best day
unworthy at my worst
To receive this blessing that You give me freely

CHORUS

You must have Your reason
You must have a plan
You must see some treasure here I'm missing
If I could see myself through Your eyes
It would be easier to breathe
And display Your loving-kindness
to the world around me

Heritage

I’ve done the FlyLady thing. I love her like crazy and appreciate the work she’s doing in transforming people’s lives. I still do Kelly’s missions.

But I’ve gone through decluttering, and now I feel empty. Light, free, and empty. So my focus now is on filling my life with things I love. Perhaps that is just the next step after decluttering, and I never would have gotten here without the decluttering.

I love the idea of a hope chest. I never had any such thing. But now I’d like to buy one to give to my daughter on her 16th birthday. As I find things meaningful to me, I’d like to put them inside. Books, framed sayings, etc. Maybe toys that were special to her but she’s outgrown. The afghan from her great grandma. Heritage items. Items for when she sets up house. Books for when she becomes engaged. A special apron. Little luxuries that will make her feel special.

There’s a worried feeling in me that what I find meaningful, she may just see as clutter. Somehow she’ll need to find her own balance between what is clutter and what she loves, and I can’t force my values on her.

But I can gift her with even more meaningful things than a hope chest. I can share sunrises and moonlit walks with her. We can smell flowers together. More than anything else I could give her, I want her to experience the joy of living life in the moment, finding beauty in the small things, making memories that last, and building a friendship with that Friend who will never leave her.

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I received in a forwarded email. A great reminder to enjoy every moment instead of wishing for tomorrow...

If I Had My Life to Live Over
by Erma Bombeck, written after she found out she was dying from cancer

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it , live it and never give it back.

What Kind of Dessert Are You?

This sweet post has been entered into Scribbit's March Write Away Contest.

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What is your favorite dessert?
(a) Lemon Meringue Pie
(b) Cheesecake
(c) Brownie
(d) Doughnut

No doubt you've seen personality tests flying around that relate you to some type of delectable treat. They bug me a little. Because I can never make up my mind on questions like the above. I love them all!

And truth be told, I AM them all. I am a woman and a mother, after all.

Lemon Meringue Pie. That's me, all right. The perfect combination of flaky crust, tart innards, and sweet topping. I am constantly multi-tasking, trying to juggle a myriad of tasks. Depending on when you catch me, you might get any of those hats, those three tastes in your mouth. Always a surprise, it is.

Cheesecake. I savor every luscious bite of life, especially where my baby girl is concerned. I treasure each new development: the first time she says "I love you," the first time she prays, the first time she writes her name. Yes, my life is certainly cheesecake, full of decadent moments of sunlight and joy, growth and thankfulness.

Brownie. I definitely have some chocolate in me. That addictiveness, devotion, loyalty to something that defies explanation. Women aren't about being explained. Some things are just because they are. And the solutions to our problems aren't straightforward, though they are sometimes simple. Sometimes it's just a matter of having a brownie or a listening friend. That's me.

Doughnut. Comfort food. As a mother, it's my role in life to create a comfort zone. A place where people can take off their shoes and make themselves at home. A place where my family can retreat after a tough day in the battlefield of life and recover to face the next day. I am comfort food, sometimes with Bavarian cream, sometimes with strawberry jelly, and sometimes just with open arms. But always sweet, always filling, always soothing.

What kind of dessert am I? I am whatever is needed. I am surprising, luscious, loyal, and comforting. I am a woman. I am a mother.

And right now I'm rather hungry, too.

Invasion of the Ants

Forget aliens. Our world has been taken over by ants.

This morning my toddler has twice taken the brown sugar out of the fridge (where we keep it because of ants, in addition to the cereal, bread, flour, and just about every kind of food). And now that she’s sticky sweetness personified (not that she wasn’t already), I’m worried the ants are going to carry her off, too.

There are trails of ants marching around the sink, into the cupboards, through the trash can, around the living room floor, and on the dining room table. I’ve even found ants in the bed and in my girl’s stack of clean diapers. And I’ve definitely felt things crawling up my leg, though I’ve never seen them… No matter how many I kill, there are still an army of them remaining, just waiting for a few moments of peace to make their trail again.

This morning I was attacking the ants as just one more barrier towards my achieving Proverbs 31 Woman status. You know, that giant checklist of womanly goals that I haven’t even started checking through yet?

Then I took a closer look. You know, these ants have a thing up on me! They can check off a number of things on the checklist! After all, much of Proverbs 31 has to do with keeping busy, being productive, not being lazy, staying up late and getting up early. And those little ants meet all that criteria.

There's a reason Proverbs 6:6 says, "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!"

I will never get the Proverbs 31 thing figured out. But at least I can work on stamping out the evidences of laziness in my life.

And I've got something up on the ants, too. I've got the ability to simplify my life - to focus on the meaningful and not the peripheral, inconsequential... I don't have to spend my life running around in meaningless circles, avoiding the dishrag and checking out cupboards and drawers that have been totally wiped clean of anything edible. (Honest!)

Time is much too precious to waste, and I want my time on earth to count.

Enjoy That Cheesecake!

The scale keeps shocking me, and not in a good way, either. I need to figure this thing out, right away...

I am determined to be 11.8 pounds less than the scale measured me at this morning - by June, bikini season. I am relying on you, dear blog, to hold me accountable.

On New Years this year, I made a resolution to enjoy each bite I took - to savor and relish everything I ate. No limits - cheesecake and ice cream are okay - but I have to enjoy each bite I take of them. It fits my goal of enjoying the moment, finding joy in the simple things that surround me every day.

I haven't kept that resolution by any means. I need to navigate the obstacles somehow.

Obstacle #1 - Multitasking. I'm constantly trying to fit eating in between baby care, reading, blogging, housework, errands. In fact, when I've decided to eat something, I'll deliberately look for something I can do while I eat, like reading that education book I've been putting off.

I need to get over this mindset. So I'm setting up a couple of goals for myself. First - only eat while sitting at a table. Not in front of the TV, the computer, or while driving. If I'm starving, I can afford to stop and find a place to sit.

Second - make my primary eating place attractive. Keep the dining table free of clutter, so it is open and available when I'm ready to eat. Use things I love as the centerpiece. Keep the windows washed - inside and out. Play music there. Get plants to put in planters outside on the patio, so I can look at them while I eat. And then work on the rest of the yard so it looks relaxing and doesn't distract me, either.

Obstacle #2 - Trashcan Mentality. I'm sure I'm not the only parent who finishes up what the kid doesn't eat. And if that's not bad enough, I also force myself to eat the leftovers or scraps - the patties that were a little burnt, the potatoes that were overcooked, the beans that weren't such a hit and are in danger of going bad if no one eats them, the produce that we're just not eating up fast enough.

I just can't stand the thought of food going to waste when there are so many people starving in Africa.

But my eating it isn't helping them, is it?

So - dishing up very small portions for my kid, giving her seconds if she finishes the first, is in order.

And I'm going to get over my issues with throwing food away. If it's not good enough for my family, it's not good enough for me, either.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some things to work on...

Give...

"Give freely and become more wealthy; be stingy and lose everything." --Proverbs 11:24

I read this and think I've got this figured out. I've never been stingy with money. If I have and someone needs, I give. And I've NEVER been without. I've always had enough to cover my needs and then some.

But there is one thing I am struggling with. Time.

I don't have enough time for myself.

How can I give time away to others?

I treasure my time. I hoard it as my most precious possession.

Yet I've been feeling convinced that I need to change my priorities. Husband first, child second, others next, and myself last.

That means no "ME" time.

That flies in the face of every piece of advice out there, doesn't it?

Yet God promises that those who give will be rewarded. And those who hoard will lose everything.

Where do I start? Am I convicted enough? I'm not sure.

Where There Is Faith

This song by 4Him from the late 1980s has been speaking to me lately. No matter what nonsense is happening in the world or even in our families, faith in Jesus Christ is the key ingredient to sleeping at night. I watch my baby sleep, and I want that peace...

I believe in faithfulness
I believe in giving to myself for someone else
I believe in peace and love
I believe in honesty and trust but it's not enough
For all that I believe may never change the way it is
Unless I believe Jesus lives

Where there is faith
There is a calling, keep walking
You're not alone in this world
Where there is faith
There is a peace like a child sleeping
Hope everlasting in He who is able to
Bear every Burden, to heal every hurt in my heart
It is a wonderful, powerful place
Where there is faith

There's a man across the sea
Never heard the sound of freedom ring
Only in his dreams
There's a lady dressed in black
In a motorcade of cadillacs
Daddy's not coming back
Our hearts begin to fall
And our stability grows weak
But Jesus meets our needs if only we believe

A Woman Should Have...

I just received this quotation by Maya Angelou in my email inbox. It's all about that woman I desire to become...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra....


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a feeling of control over her destiny...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship....


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Forgetfulness

This morning I needed to adjust the shower temperature after I got in. But I couldn't remember which faucet handle was hot and which was cold.

Fortunately that problem was easily solved with a little experimentation. But this is a shower I have used daily for years. I'm concerned!

Does anyone else go through this? Where you just for the life of you have no recollection of where you put your watch before bed, where you parked the car, or whether you already brushed your teeth?

I used to pride myself on my memory. I always got 99th percentile on standardized tests in school. I was accepted to medical school when I was 19 (though I chose not to go).

And I've always excelled at work, too. Though in more recent years it has been because I have established routines and use principles that guide me in backtracking and figuring out what I would have done in a scenario, rather than remembering what I did.

But things have been getting worse and worse, especially with pregnancy and mommyhood. I blame it on momnesia. It makes life really difficult.

The scariest thing is how it impacts others. The other day as our family was heading into town, I couldn't find my wallet anywhere. I thought I had put it in my jacket pocket, but I checked the pockets and found nothing.

My husband was in a rush, so he assured me it probably was in the diaper bag (already in the car) and herded me out the door.

As soon as we were on the road, I checked the diaper bag. No wallet. I alerted my husband.

Since our evening plans were somewhat moot without a wallet, my husband turned the car around and headed back home. Since by this time we would be too late for what he had planned, he decided we should just stay home.

Looking for my wallet again, I found it, in my jacket pocket. It had been with me all along.

When my husband asked me where I had found it and realized it had been in the car, he was quite upset with me. I was already beating myself up for it - his reaction made me want to withdraw into myself and from life even further.

It's not the first time this has happened. I do stuff like this all the time. I keep telling myself not to let it happen again, but it's like I have no control.

Is it just me - should I try to get help for it? And if it's not just me, what can I do to patch things up with my husband (and anyone else I might inconvenience)?

Help!

Soul Mate

"A wise woman seeks to be part of her husband's life. His interests become her interests. She looks for ways to help him in all his endeavors. When he needs a helping hand, it is her hand that is there first." --Debi Pearl

Do I spend so much time trying to be a GOOD wife - the Proverbs 31 woman, with all my checklists - that I don't have time to be the wife my husband needs me to be?

How can I be his soul mate in everything?

Think about it. When your husband is sleeping in and asks you to sleep in with him, do you do it, or do you get up because you have so much to get done before the baby wakes up?

Do you cuddle up with him while he watches a movie, or rush around getting things ready for school the next day, or do the ironing while you watch?

Do your checklists take top priority?

Do you put off his hints for sexual intimacy because you are in the middle of folding washing or cooking lunch, telling yourself you'll make it up to him later?

Yet later never comes, and even if it does, it's too late...

Who Am I?

I am unnamed. But that does not mean I don't exist. Let me tell you who I strive to be. Who I really am inside, once you get past the flawed outer layers.

My Personal Affirmation

I am a child of God, blessed and loved as I am. He gives me the courage and confidence to face every challenge of every day as I stay in His will. His love compels me to love each person I come across in my walk with Him. Loving God and others is my #1 priority.

I am a bright, knowledgeable woman with many talents. I use these for God’s glory, not my own. I nurture these talents with study and practice. I do not shy from using my talents, but rather take every opportunity to use them when they will demonstrate love for God and others.

I am a steady, upbeat woman who enjoys having fun and finds ways to brighten my day by brightening others’. I strive to find the best in each person.

I am a beautiful, physically fit, healthy woman. I honor God with my body, submitting my desires to Him each day.

I am a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I value the relationships in my life and nurture them as a testimony of God’s love to me.

I use my resources wisely and live a balanced, mission-focused life.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I am who God created me to be.

Why?

I have another blog. It's fun. It's rewarding. I have blogging friends, followers, regular commenters.

But lately, nothing feels inspired.

I have so much I want to say. But I don't like being vulnerable. I don't want my own family, let alone the world, to know the weak parts of me. I have a pride issue, I think.

This is my first step in reaching out. I'm not ready to take ownership of what I write, yet. But I can't hold it in any longer.

Maybe I'll change. Maybe I'll want to share who I really am with the world one day. Maybe it will accidentally be uncovered and I'll have to accept the consequences. That's a risk I'm finally willing to take.

If you guess who I am, which is certainly not impossible, do me a favor. Don't say anything about it. Let me live in ignorance, so I can be free to speak what's on my heart.

And in a way, speak on behalf of thousands of unnamed, anonymous women everywhere.

Thank you...